Dynasty Warriors: Vines
by Noman'sland260
Summary: Something I thought of while I was bored, it's all in the title. This is also my first attempt at comedy
1. Chapter 1

A young Lu Kuang is sitting at a desk doing homework. "Daddy can you help me with my homework?" he asks. Lu Xun walks over to him "of course son." He sits down and then looks at the scroll in disbelief.

The next thing you see is the two of them outside and the scrolls are on fire. "It's not going to hurt you anymore." Lu Xun says holding Lu Kuang by the shoulders.

* * *

Xu Shu, Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong, and Zhao Yun are in a carriage. "Hey Zhao Yun guess what? The Dynasty Warriors popularity poll says I'm number 3."

"No one cares Xu Shu." Zhao Yun replies.

"That's fine because Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong care. Right guys?"

"Shut up Xu Shu." Pang Tong said.

"Stop talking to me." Zhuge Liang added.

* * *

Yue Jin, Li Dian, and Xiahou Yuan are in a room and they see a spider on the wall.

Li Dian gets a stick and tries to smack it. It stays on and they all freak out.

Xiahou Yuan gets his bow and tries to shoot it. He misses and they all freak out again.

Then Yue Jin takes of his helm and throws it at the spider. It falls to the ground still alive and they all run away screaming

* * *

Liu Shan is struggling to open a jar of peanut butter.

He tries twisting the cap open, slightly taps it on the kitchen counter, and then has a small statue of Buddha, some incense sticks, and the jar of peanut bar and prays for the jar to open. Finally Xing Cai walks in and opens the jar no problem.

* * *

Liu Bei and Cao Cao are in a room. Cao Cao says to Liu Bei "You're a bitch."

Then Guan Yu walks in and starts to defend Liu Bei "Who are you calling a bitch? You're a bitch with you're bitch ass bitch-"

* * *

Zhuge Dan and Jia Chong are standing on opposite sides of a doorway and Jia Chong is holding a pan.

"Hey Sima Zhao we got meat buns out here." says Zhuge Dan

"MEAT BUNS" yelled Sima Zhao running to the doorway and then Jia Chong hits him hard with the pan and Zhao ends up unconscious

"I'm shocked that always works." Zhuge Dan says

"Me too let's get his wallet." Jia Chong added

* * *

Ling Tong and Gan Ning are in a room talking

"Hey did Lu Meng drink all the wine?" Gan Ning asks

"Yeah why?" replied Ling Tong

"I put acid in it."

"You did WHAT?"

Then you see Lu Meng sitting in a chair in front of a mirror playing the banjo

"This guy is killing it on banjo right now!" Lu Meng says

* * *

Sun Jian is in a room with Sun Quan and Sun Ce.

"Hey Quan what are you up to right now?" Sun Jian asks.

"Smoking crack." Quan replies.

"Right on how about you Ce?"

"Waiting for you to leave so I can jerk off." Ce says

* * *

Zhang He and Xiahou Yuan are standing on the beach.

"I love the wind." Yuan says

"I love you general."

Yuan tries to run away but then Zhang He tackles and Yuan is screaming.

* * *

Xiahou Ba sees Xiahou Dun by a dumpster.

"What are you doing by the dumpster Uncle Dun?" Ba asks

"I"m not smoking crack." Dun replies

"I didn't asked if you were smoking crack."

"Yeah I am smoking crack."

* * *

Sima Yi approaches Zhang Chunhua

"Hey baby how old are you?" Sima Yi asks

"24." Zhang Chunhua replies

Then you see a bunch of DW characters screaming, crowding, and pulling Sima Yi away from Chunhua

* * *

Ma Chao, Huang Zhong, Ma Dai, and Wei Yan are playing poker at Xu Shu's house and then Xu Shu walks in

"Hey Xu Shu you wanna play poker with us?" Huang Zhong said

"I don't know should I?" Xu Shu asks

"Playyyy." Wei Yan said

"Yeah come on." Ma Chao and Ma Dai add

"Okay what could go wrong?" Xu Shu says

After that Xu Shu's house is empty and he's naked but covers himself with a pillow

"Bad idea." Xu Shu said

* * *

Guan Xing and Zhang Bao are sitting on a couch at Guan Xing's house and Zhang Bao has a laptop

"Hey what's the wifi password?" Zhang Bao asked

"It's yoursisteratmyhouse " Guan Xing answered

"That's quite funny because your sister is here." Bao replied

Then Guan Yinping walks in "Oh hey Xing. Bao is so nice."

Then Zhang Bao does the birds and bees gesture with his hands

* * *

Sima Yi opens a door and sees a peon

There is awkward silence for a few seconds until Sima Yi asks "What do you want?"

Then peon replies "My name is Jeff."

* * *

Zhuge Liang and Jiang Wei are playing chess. It's near the end of the game and then Jiang Wei says checkmate

Zhuge Liang gets furious and then Jiang Wei is tied up and thrown in the back of a cart

"I'm sorry Chancellor I won't do it again I promise!"

Zhuge Liang knocks him out and then the cart drives away

* * *

A brigand steals a purse from a woman and then runs away

"Someone help me he stole my purse!" hollered the woman

"Don't worry I'll get it!" Ling Tong exclaims but he runs to a wall and does a back flip

"He got away." the woman said

"Yeah but that back flip though."

* * *

Taishi Ci is in a village and runs up to some people

"Hey catch me, catch me."

He approaches them and jumps on his side but the people don't catch him and Taishi Ci falls on the ground

"Why didn't you catch me?" he asks

* * *

Zhou Yu is sitting on a couch and Xiaoqiao is in the bathroom putting on makeup

"Hey Zhou Yu?"

"What's up"

"Are we like official?"

After hearing that, Zhou Yu opens the nearest window and jumps out of it.

* * *

Guan Suo walks casually on the street until he steps on a banana peel but does a flip in the air to avoid falling

"That was close."

But when he continues to walk he bumps into a trash can and falls down with it

* * *

The Sima brothers are in the kitchen

"Hey Zhao do we have any meat buns left?"

"Hang on let me check."

Zhao walks over to the bamboo bun holder (I don't know what it's actually called)

"Oh sorry Shi there's only one left."

"Oh really." then Shi walks over to Zhao with his sword

"Well finders keepers."

Shi prepares his sword to slice Zhao's neck

* * *

Chen Gong has shaving cream in his hand ready to smack Lu Bu

As he approaches him, Lu Bu gets up and smacks Chen Gong with his own hand so that Chen Gong is covered in shaving cream

* * *

It's Christmas time and everyone in Jin is exchanging presents

Deng Ai opens his present from Zhong Hui "Oh five gold coins thanks Zhong Hui."

"What did you get me Deng Ai?" Zhong Hui asked

"A land mine."

Luoyang palace blows into smithereens

* * *

 **Thanks for reading this. The vines are not mine, they are from popular viners such as KingBach, Curtis Lepore, Thomas Sanders, Brandon Calvillo, Jason Nash, and Logan Paul**

 **Let me know if you guys want more and I'll be sure to give it to you**

 **As always don't forget to review, like, and enjoy life :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Pang Tong takes Huang Zhong to meet his new friend. "Hey Huang Zhong meet my new friend."

The peon says"My name is Je-"

Before he could finish Huang Zhong takes his bow and shoots an arrow at Jeff. He falls dead and Huang Zhong shoots him again for good measure.

* * *

Ma Chao and Xu Shu are watching after Birch.

"You're a good horse Birch." Ma Chao said feeling around the horse

"You know he doesn't understand you right?" Xu Shu asked walking up to him

Ma Chao simply snapped his fingers

"What's that going to do?" Xu Shu asked

Birch uses his back legs to kick Xu Shu sending him flying

* * *

Sun Quan and Lianshi are sitting down together and Lianshi starts laughing like a maniac. Sun Quan says "Take it easy"

Then the two are outside "Look a bird!" Lianshi exclaimed

"Take it easy." Sun Quan replied

Then they're in a bedroom. Lianshi pushes Sun Quan down onto the bed and she takes off her top "Take it e- actually this is good." Sun Quan said

* * *

Sima Zhao gets out of bed "Oh man I overslept."

He goes to the window and sees modern day buildings, skyscrapers, and cars.

"I'm going back to bed."

* * *

Cao Cao walks in on Cao Pi twerking

"That is not what I taught you!" Cao Cao screamed

Then you see them both twerking and Cao Cao is doing it better

* * *

Zhu Ran and Lu Xun are in a room.

"Hey this hot cocoa is really good." Zhu Ran said holding a mug.

"I didn't buy any cocoa." Lu Xun replied

"Yeah you did. I found it in a vase on the counter."

"You mean my mother's ASHES."

"Oh." Then Zhu Ran took another sip.

* * *

Cao Ren and Pang De are both in the kitchen

"Hey look it's a spider." Cao Ren said.

Pang De screams and Cao Ren faints

Then Wang Yi picks it up. "It's a peanut."

"Is that what that was?" Pang De asked

"I-I knew that." Cao Ren said as he stood up

* * *

Both Yue Jin and Cai Wenji are sitting on a bench

"I think you're really cute." Yue Jin said

"Aw thanks bro." Cai Wenji replied

"Bro?"

Then Yue Jin gets sucked into a portal that takes him to a white room and sees Cao Cao and Guo Jia sitting on a bench. "Where am I?" Yue Jin asked

"Welcome to the friend zone." Cao Cao said

"NOOOO."

* * *

"Let's play who stole the drugs." Lu Su said

"Is it me?" Han Dang asked with a weird face

"Is it me?" Taishi Ci asked with a weird face

"Him" Zhou Tai said pointing to Ding Feng

"Pink fairies everywhere." Ding Feng said with his face all white

* * *

Sima Zhao, Wang Yuanji, and Zhong Hui are playing billiards.

It's Wang Yuanji and she is struggling

"Hey Yuanji is holding the cue wrong mind if I show her?" Zhong Hui asked

"Yeah go ahead" Sima Zhao replied

Zhong Hui walks up behind Yuanji and runs his left hand down to her hand and they both conjoin and holds her right hand with his right hand and his torso is pressed against her back. He moves with her and she softly moans.

Sima Zhao stands there in disbelief and shock. Then Wang Yuanji jumps on Zhong Hui and hugs him.

* * *

Sima Yi and Zhang Chunhua are arguing in front of Deng Ai

"So my butt's not big enough for you!?" Zhang Chunhua hollered

"You're butt's the size of a peach!" Sima Yi exclaimed

"Let's ask Deng Ai if it's the size of a peach!" Then Zhang Chunhua bends over in front of Deng Ai and all he says is "I just want to go home."


End file.
